Forgiveness

Well, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, of course as I say these words I wonder about various events in my life and why they happened. I guess the first one that comes to mind is the death of my mother, even though I say that I really start to wonder if in fact that is the way I truly feel or if that is a way of justifying the bad things that have happened in my life. Or rather a way of making sense of the things that happen in my life that are either emotionally painful or unwanted events?

As I cautiously enter a new phase of my life, what with age and my own mortality working against me I start to wonder about past events in my life. Instead of looking forward to the rest of my life and trying to etch out a living in this world. But the human condition is to process the past like a movie and wonder what if I had done this or that? Why did this happen? What could have been done to prevent it? But unfortunately the past is the past and it cannot be rewound or redone, all that we can do is learn from the past and make better choices in the future. I for one do not want to die with a ton of regrets on my shoulders. I would be willing to bet that more often than not we do die with regrets, regrets of all kinds, regrets of varying seriousness ranging from not finishing school to why did I not make things right with certain family members which I believe is one of the most serious of regrets that we could ever have.

My mother let her father die without ever having straightening things out, making things good and loving between them, then she went on to pass away herself without having the ability to forgive him, so in this instance two souls suffered due to pride, stubbornness, or just plain not caring. That’s unfortunate, as I am sure had there been a reconciliation they both could have lived their last years without that as a weight upon their hearts.

We as simple humans have many needs and when those needs are unable to be met by a means of our own, we rely upon others, with those other being family and friends. When friends fail us they just aren’t our friends anymore, but when our family fails us, we can’t just say your not my family anymore because blood is thicker than water, there is an invisible bond that binds us. And we experience something I perceive as pain, extreme emotional pain. When we create or experience rifts or tears in our lives I believe we lose a little bit of what makes us who we are. Then I think when is enough, enough? When do you give up? When do you move on? With family do you ever? Can you ever? I don’t know the answer to that but I sure have thought about it often lately.

I was raised to depend upon family to make it through this life we live, also taught to be there for my family which I always have done. I have given up months of my life, I quit college to help out a family member in their time of need. This is why family units exist to love, protect and assist each other through this life. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you can forgive and move on. But that does not mean we need to forget, I love each and every member of my family, but recently they have failed me at least in my mind they have failed me. I do not refer to my immediate family exactly, my father , my brother, both my sisters and my son have failed me in one way or another recently ranging from minor to major events. One might say how can your family truly fail you, believe me it happens sometimes to the point of having a hard time forgiving them.

My mother once wrote “I forgive everyone, including myself, I release the past with love and acceptance”. I found it written in one of her journals after she passed away. Good words to live by and I try my hardest to live up to that, often it becomes difficult, but I try regardless.